Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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