she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
that's an acceptable place to lick
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
