Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
