If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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