in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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