Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
