someone threw a dead crab at me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
