So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize