1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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