What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
