you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
