Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
