Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
