I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the liver wants what the liver wants
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
