I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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