I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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