You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You're like the curious george of whores
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
