Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
