now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
ok first of all what the fuck
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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