dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
