My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
