then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
