Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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