dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
