god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
