I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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