before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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