i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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