i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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