people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
