I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
