At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
