I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
