Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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