That's when you crack a 10am beer
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
