one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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