Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize