I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
