Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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