I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
