I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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