Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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