Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
