i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
