Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
