Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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