I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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