"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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