I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
