my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
