Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How does one acquire holy water?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize