I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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