I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
